As many of my readers already know a lot of unpleasant things have happened to me and those close to me over the last year and a half. The issue with having one thing after another happen is that I don’t feel that I’ve had sufficient time to cope with one thing before the next one hits. What ends up happening is my emotional priority queue gets full and I don’t know how to handle things.

This past weekend things had become so bad that I was seriously considering pulling away from everyone for an extended period just to insulate myself a bit and lick my wounds. Upon further reflection I think that an extended break is neither feasible nor helpful. However I think that a short break when needed may help.

I feel the need to define what I mean by break. This does not mean I’m necessarily angry with anyone. It doesn’t mean that I’m irritated with group dynamics. It doesn’t mean that I think I’m better than anyone. What it does mean is that I will not be engaging in social events when in a break. It means that I won’t be talking to people in any form. I may choose to go to some social events and engage with some people of my choosing. If you are still on break status with me when I do this, again, this has nothing to do with you; for whatever reason I am choosing to engage with only specific people at that time.

As far as practical application I think the easiest way for me to announce when on a break is over Twitter as most of my friends have one. The same will be the case when ending a break. For those concerned about me getting depressed and possibly suicidal when taking a break and not being able to get in touch with me I ask that you go through Kathy. She is in a unique position to 1)be a very good and old friend, 2)know a lot of the issues I am going through, 3)not be involved in any way with any of my drama, 4)be in a place where her life is relatively stable, and 5)have a key to my apartment. In the event of an emergency that I need to be notified about I will continue to check texts, voicemail, and email but if it’s not an emergency I will not respond immediately.

I also ask for your permission to break down in front of people if I feel the need. I feel that due to some recent events I’ve had to be strong to survive and help others. But now that the dust is settling a bit I feel like I may need to start unloading my burdens on others to help me carry them.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and that we can continue this journey of bearing with one another in love.

01. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
02. Go to Google Images and search for that word.
03. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word).
04. Put this in your own journal so that I can do the same.

I'm going to try and guess the word you were thinking of.

The depression has left me in a weird place right now. I don't even know that I feel depressed. In fact I had a friend question whether I even was depressed. Rather, I seem to have this...thing that always sits in the back of my head. And I'm not totally sure how it got there.

Part of it has to do with my lack of a romantic relationship. But it's more specific than that. I feel that there are specific things that I am lacking that I can only get from that kind of relationship. Two things immediately come to mind: physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.

When I say physical intimacy I don't mean sex per se. While that is certainly an aspect what I specifically mean is non-sexual touch. I don't have someone I can touch and it be OK, at least not on a regular basis. There are some women in my life with whom I do share the occasional touch beyond a hug with, but it's not consistent. I don't really have someone I can call up and say "let's cuddle tonight" or anything like that. This is something that I really wasn't even aware was lacking until recently but I suspect it may have played a background role for some time.

Things are a bit better as far as emotional intimacy. I have a few friends who I feel comfortable sharing most of my thoughts and feelings with. Part of the problem though is I don't always get it back. That is, these people don't always share back with me. I'm not trying to point fingers here, it's just how it is. Part of the complication here is that I tend to feel more drawn to share these things with women, which of course is complicated by male/female dynamic.

In taking stock of these things I'm left searching for them but not finding them. I keep running after it only to be disappointed.

A natural choice is to turn to God to seek answers to all of this, or at least to be content in Him. But it feels like I'm talking and getting nothing back. Like no one is actually listening. Now in reality I probably don't pray as often as I should or read from the Word as often as I should. However these practices seem...dry. Like there is nothing gained, because like I said I feel like I'm getting nothing back.

Getting no answers on what I should be doing has led me to feel like it's all for nothing. And it's odd, too, because for the most part all of the pieces are fine. I have plenty of friends and I get along with them well. My family is good and while relationships could stand to grow none are strained. I have a job that I enjoy and I am respected there. I will need more pay in the coming months but for now it's good. I'm doing OK without the romantic relationship even though I do feel a lacking there. But on the whole it all just seems wrong. Like it's too shallow or something. I can't even put my finger on it. It's just...empty.

I have been digging and digging at this, trying to get to the root of it all. I'm still not there, but only just today did I manage to get far enough to put some real words to it. And I have something to call it. Some would call it the dark night of the soul. And while I find that term fitting it implies emotion that I seem to be lacking right now. I think the best way to define where I am now is existential angst. This bitter anguish to attempt to find meaning to it all.

I don't really know where to go from here. In some sense I feel like the very process of analysis has caused the problem. That is, if I had simply stopped looking for a reason why I got depressed in the first place I would not be where I am now. The depression would have passed long ago and I would be on with my life. The problem is I feel that doing that is no way to live. I'm convinced that unless I can solve this problem I'm going to be back in the same spot eventually. I would rather face the full blunt of this, figure out what's going on, fix it, and move on. And it wouldn't matter even if I thought that I had taken the wrong course of action. I can't go back now, only through.

So if you see an emo tweet from me it's not emo, it's existential angst :)

I'll be leaving again for work, but this time only for a couple of days. I'll be leaving Tuesday the 5th and should be returning the evening of Thursday the 7th. I'm going to take my lappy this time and the hotel has Internet so I should be able to keep up with the digital goings-on for the most part.

Are you there Xanga?

I'll be out of town starting Sunday the 20th and back on Wednesday the 23rd for a project for work. Don't have too much fun while I'm gone.

Do you really think this is simply my own strength of will I'm running on now?

You care but you don't know how to show it right. Your heart is in the right place but your hands do the wrong thing.

You made me unafraid

What I find both comforting and disturbing is how easily you relate to me.

I am beginning to wonder if what was interpreted as wisdom was really just well-disguised insanity.

I think that no matter how content I am, given the chance, I would give it all up to go back.

"I have grown so tired/of these games we play"

@faroffplanet As the virus is still going to have a pattern that AV software is going to be able to see it could still be useful.

@faroffplanet Hrm...I'm wondering how you can protect against such an attack. I guess standard anti-virus software would still be helpful.

re: my last update does anyone know of such a service? Any recommendations?

Looks like TwitterFeed will work with only, well, twitter. Time to find a service that will auto-post to email when I update my blog.

@alxconn I would go but I already have plans for this evening.

ping.fm is like the One Ring of social networking services.

"I don't plan on falling in" - Co-worker Matt on kayaking in a fjord.